Who would have thought that a life filled with a great deal of pain could evolve into a colourful one instantly? After years of misery, moving from one painful experience and painful memory to another, a brief decision changed the trajectory of that life. A life so fragile, so difficult, so full of criticism and perfectionism became one of care, ease, grace, and gentleness. A life filled with noise and chaos became peaceful in every way. Not peaceful because life became easier but because there was a great deal of letting go and acceptance.
Life. It has a way of bringing you to a state of surrender. It has a way of showing you that living is the only way forward. Worry and stress leave you confined, both physically and mentally. But trying your best to find joy in the littlest of things is life-changing. Who would have guessed that the little things in life could make life colourful? Gratitude and letting go of control could save you loads of frustration and instability. Once you let go and let things unfold the way they want, by accepting more and expecting less, the beauty in your life begins to unfold, and the oil on your head becomes more clear to you.
For some time, I was frustrated by and mad at everything in my life. I was mad that certain things kept unfolding and causing me different kinds and levels of pain that I could not see a beautiful way forward. All I could see was more pain, and even when I saw a glimpse of beauty, it was hard to believe that I would ever get to that place because of how paralyzing the current season was. All I wanted to do was give up. In other words, take my life because of how helpless I felt and hopeless my life became. But I had to take a long look at my life and weigh my options. I wondered if giving up was the best choice for me and at some point, it seemed to be. But, I could not shake off that feeling of relief I envisioned I would feel when I moved past this current state of mind. The thought of not having the opportunity to choose to keep going did not sit right with me. The thought of not waking up to see another day, a day that could change my life's trajectory made me reconsider the decision I was ready to make.
After much pondering, I cried myself to sleep, taking the first step I needed to give myself the gift of another day. Although the balls are not in my court, at that moment, it seemed to be me against God's will. If God wanted me to see a new day, there was the possibility that I didn't want to. Nevertheless, I pulled through and I saw the next day. Although it did not feel like an ideal day, I felt a little bit of gratitude to still be here. Every time my days got difficult, I told myself, "just focus on getting through today or the night." It did not make the day easier, it however made the weight of my pain a little lighter by helping me shift my focus. I held on to the hope of things turning around, even though I didn't know how long it would take.
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One day, I decided to surrender. I told myself that if I was going to be alive, I might as well try to make my life bearable. I talked to God about all that had been going on, all I had been feeling, all I had been struggling with, and every aspect of my life I needed healing in, as well as the kind of healing I wanted. I praised, worshipped, and prayed in the dead of the night. Right after, I felt lighter and the next day, I felt peace and joy. My prayers were already being answered but I still felt that I had a part to play in my healing. I had to seek professional help, and even though I did not feel like it, I listened to God. He told me, "Just tell them how you feel" after I had told Him that I didn't want to go for my appointment. That day was the beginning of something new.
Over time, I got to deal with all the pain in my heart. I realized that I held on to so much. And it felt like if I kept adding to that bank without releasing any of the pain I felt by at least talking about them, I was going to explode. At some point, my chest began to ache and that was all the sign I needed.
I let God guide me, search me, clean me, change me, and create space within me for beauty. He helped me dig up all the beauty that had been buried in pain. He helped me find peace, joy, freedom, love, grace, and compassion for myself. He helped me evolve, and taught me how to be patient and gentle with myself. I am a work in progress as He is still mending the parts of me that need mending. But I must say, the most beautiful part of this journey was that I found love in my pain. I found a love that has always been there. I found this gentle and compassionate nature of God.
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